Living in a world between normality and insanity

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All or Nothing

Finally after waiting for weeks we got our assignment marks back. Now I am always eager to get mine and see how I did, so far I have never been disappointed. Well this time I was, not once but twice. On assignments that I thought I had worked really hard on. straight away my perfectionism came up and I was really upset with the first mark. The worst was the lecturer laughed at me when I spoke to her and said it’s a good mark.

phd012014sNow a good mark, I believe is subjective. If I am used to getting and A a B is a bad mark, if I am used to getting a C then a B is a good mark – subjective right. I obsessed the entire way home from McGregor when I got the first mark and let it affect my mood for the entire week. The second mark came through right before I went to bed a week later. Do you think I could sleep? No way, I lay up for hours obsessing over the mark. Then I switched to all or nothing thinking.

It went something like this, if I can’t get a good mark then I’m not going to try. Screw them (although I probably used more colourful language at the time). I totally wanted to give up. I was so demotivated, still am a little. I know that this type of thinking is both my addict and the borderline in me – doubly screwed right. I have worked hard at not buying into this type of thinking but when it comes to something as important as my marks I find it hard to just let go.

Anyway, at first I wanted my assignments remarked but realised that the educators would just laugh at me cause in general the marks are okay they are just my lowest marks ever. I need to move on and convince myself to give everything to the next assignments which are due in the next 2 weeks. It’s hard but I have good support and know that I am not alone. These little glimpses of my illnesses come out every now and again and I just have to fight harder till they fade away again.

All in all, as disappointed as I am with myself and my marks I will try again and again. Time to stop giving into the madness and get back to sanity.


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Photo of the Week

This shot was taken out in Malmesbury on an Autumn morning. I was with my best friends for a weekend of taking photos and hanging out. We stood watching the sunrise and taking photos for over an hour. I was once again reminded of the beauty of our world and the things that God has created.

Sunrise mix 3 pic


Friends for a Season

Friends for a season, friends for a reason, or so they say.

Everybody has people in their lives. I believe that even the loneliest person in the world has someone they care about. I say this because I have been there, the place where you feel alone even in a crowded room. I tried not to care, believe me I tried. The problem is that we are simply not created to be solitary creatures. I didn’t want to care because caring hurts and the depth of caring depicts the depth of hurt that happens. The less I cared the less it hurt – simple mathematics for my warped mind. Unfortunately even when I was trying not to care I got hurt, so even though I still go through phases of not caring to avoid the hurt, I have come to a simple conclusion. Life hurts, we’ve all been hurt, we’ve all been rejected and we’ve all been left behind at some point.
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Recently I got hurt (again, it’s a foregone conclusion) and had to sit with the loss of a friendship that was once important for me. I sat with sadness for a while then I detached from the emotions and went numb. I don’t know why we are not friends anymore or if we are then I don’t know what’s happening. This isn’t friendship. Feeling quite hurt by this I took it on as though I had done something wrong when in actual fact I haven’t. So sometimes I guess friendships just move on and I mustn’t take it personally.

As I have journeyed through my recovery I have realised that some people have been put in my life for a specific reason, and these people have all helped me progress into the awesomeness that is becoming me, but once that reason has passed the friendship will fade or alter into something different. My borderline fears the abandonment of losing a friend but I am learning to prepare my mind for these changes and trying to not take them personally. It is inevitable that as I change so will the people closest to me. As doors close so, I believe, new ones will open.

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Another poem that I wrote in the midst of all my pain in depression. When I look back at these I realise how dark things got and feel completely blessed and grateful for all the people that helped me get out of that space.

“Never a tear has wet my face, yet everyday I cry

So caught up in all the pain that everyday I die

See me as I pass you like a ghost into the night

Hating myself everyday for these demons that I fight

Everyday I try to be, exactly what you wanted

Yet everyday I find myself by the darkness taunted

Don’t you see, don’t you hear, can’t you understand

This bitterness, this rage in me, I can barely stand

I hate my life, I hate my mind, I hate what I’ve become

A torn and twisted broken soul that lies to everyone”

– written 22 March 2010

I still go there sometimes but the bouts are briefer and not as dark. There is hope and I want people to see that. Depression and Bipolar are not death sentences and we do not have to be held prisoner to them. Thank God that he saved me and stands by me when I struggle.

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Good for the Soul – Part Two

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The first thing that was good for my soul was the doing of something for others which we did on Friday and you can see that blog before this one. The second thing I did this weekend which was good for my soul was doing something for myself and that is exactly what I did. On Friday around lunchtime we packed the car and four of us set off in a stuffed car for McGregor to join a bunch of girls for a girlie weekend looking at Tradition One.

2014.07.18-20 - McGregor Retreat (9)_Snapseed We arrived around five pm and there were already some people there. Unpacked and ready to chill, and chill we did, it was freezing there so I had my beanie, gloves and scarf as well as blanket around me. Fire blazing in the fireplace and I was ready f2014.07.18-20 - McGregor Retreat (223)_Snapseedor the weekend.

What followed was one of the most amazing weekends that I have had in a long time. A weekend filled with making new friends, getting intimate and trusting others. I have never felt so vulnerable and safe at the same time. I must thank each and every lady there for making this weekend happen and playing a part in helping me grow.

Can’t wait for the next one. I feel refreshed and ready to take on the world and my life again. I really needed this break and time away, the love and respect I got was an added bonus. Sending love out to all the ladies who were with me this weekend.

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Good for the Soul – Part One

So Friday was Madiba’s birthday and the first one without him here so we had to make it special. Every year in South Africa on Madiba’s birthday people around the country are encouraged to give up 67 minutes of their time towards a cause or just helping2014.07.18 - SACAP 67 Minutes (11)_Snapseed their fellow humans. You can do anything from handing out sandwiches to the homeless, running a soccer clinic for underprivileged kids to working in a soup kitchen or handing out blankets to the less fortunate. The reason we call for 67 minutes is because Mandela spent 67 years in public service trying to make the country a better place. One minute for every year he spent in public service. By doing this we make a small gesture of solidarity with humanity.

This year I went with my college to Afrika Tikkun. According to their website Afrika Tikkun is dedicated to investing in education, health and social services for children, youth and their families through its community Centres of Excellence and strategic partnerships. We spent the weeks prior to Mandela Day collecting clothing, blankets and non-perishable food. Aiming to collect 67 of each we collected way over that so thanks to everyone for contributing. With all the goodies packed we set out Friday morning to Delft cars packed with people, love and a willingness to serve. When we got there we were greeted by one of the workers there who showed us where to go so we could see how we would be helping. On the wall was a big chart numbered with volunteers, students and another organisation show who would go to which house in the community. It was explained to us that we would be dropping off food parcels and asking some questions in houses around the community. Then we got to it packing the blankets and food we had bought into bags to go to each home. Once we were partnered with our volunteer we set off.

2014.07.18 - SACAP 67 Minutes (10)_SnapseedMost of the houses there are just these small one-room houses which they divide into two rooms with various wood and dividers. The house I went to was separated like this so it had a small lounge/kitchen and room. The lounge probably the size of my kitchen at home, I felt so blessed. Despite not having much and living in poverty when we arrived we were greeted with big smiles and hugs from the two sisters who lived there. While we were talking to them there were children running in and out the house and I eventually asked how many children lived there with the two sisters and the answer was eight. Eight plus the two adults equals ten people living in the tiny little house the size of my lounge. I was shocked to discover there was only one bed and the kids slept on the cold concrete floor all around the house. Never befor2014.07.18 - SACAP 67 Minutes (50)_Snapseede have I appreciated my bed and covers so much.

So there we were, eight of us, sitting around and listening to the stories these two ladies had to tell us. Afrika Tikkun began helping them around two years ago and is helping them get a disability grant for the one child who is disabled. They assist with blankets and food parcels and with getting IDs and such things. The one mama was telling us how the children sometimes don’t go to school because of the gangs and it’s too dangerous for them. They said if there was transport to fetch the children it would help so much.

We left 67 minutes later with heavy hearts and plenty of ideas bubbling to the surface of how we wanted to further help, like putting in vegetable gardens and such things. Back at Afrika Tikkun we met up with everyone else and saw that we were not the only ones affected by the poverty and suffering out there. Hopefully some of our ideas will lift of the ground and we can help others outside of these 67 minutes.