Twikst

Living in a world between normality and insanity


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Touch of the country

The rain runs down dust streaked windows as I sit in the bus, eyes closed, classic rock songs blaring through my headphones. I open my eyes briefly to watch the countryside pass as the bus slowly moves along.


My friend sits beside me head in a book. See we are connected enough to not even have to talk, companionship more than enough to keep us happy. We have just enjoyed a few days away. As I close my eyes again and drift into my conscious I reflect back on the past week. The laughs we had with each other, the trips down memory lane and the stories told I have never heard from my past.

Spending time with my grandparents is always a blessing. I don’t visit often, maybe twice a year but growing up they were one of the stable settings of love I had. I sit for a moment and draw on that love once again and feel warmth spread through my body.

While I am writing the bus takes a detour and my friend makes conversation with the people behind us and I think back to a different time when this was normal and people were happy to talk to strangers. This bus coming from the country, a place were you are greeted on the streets and every day waves to you with a smile on their face. It has been nice getting away from the hustle and bustle of the city. I have a silent laugh to myself as I remember sitting with our cups of coffee telling stories to one another across the generations.

I feel calm and content. Happy with my place in the world, a place my grandparents helped raise me to be in. Again the word blessed flits into my mind. Blessed to have friends that provide companionship, connection that is made with more than just words but actions and feelings. Blessed to have been raised by 3 sets of grandparents filling my childhood with memories of love. Blessed to have God on my side, to have stood by me as I’ve walked through each of my challenges in life. Blessed indeed, blessed to truly be alive.

My journey draws to a close now as the bus pulls onto the N1 highway, water streaming down the window next to me. Soon we will be in the city again and the quietness of the country will be overturned with noises from the city. That’s okay though because the contentedness stays with me. So thanks gran and gramps for that wonderful break and we’ll be back soon for another touch of the country.

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See my heart bleed

Was looking through some old notebooks and found one filled with poetry that I had written in a time of great struggle. So nobody panic, this is not how I feel. I just wanted to post it up for others who might relate and so that people will know recovery is possible. So here it is:

Cut, burn, listen, return
See my heart bleed from the inside and learn
You watched me like I was never there
Eyes glazed over, a vacant stare
Hide, lie, reject me, I die
When I am gone will you remember to cry
Silent tears, a memory
When will you listen, when will you see
Blood, pain, hate and disdain
Confused and alone, I try to refrain
I use a blade, an expression of words
The only way I know how to be heard
– written 30 January 2010

So there it is, that’s how I used to feel. Alone and unheard but things are better now. I have a voice again and am trying to use it. It isn’t always easy but it’s getting better everyday.

If you are out there and struggling with addiction, self-harm, depression, etc. get some help. Open up to someone. You are not alone unless you choose to be. There are people out there who love you and want to help. Good luck.


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Music and Me

headphones-music-notes-wallpaperMusic is both powerful and dangerous. Music brings emotions, it dispels emotions. It makes you cry, it makes you laugh. It allows you to remember and allows you to forget. Music in and of itself is beautiful and deserves to be heard but I have realised that as beautiful as it is, it is also dangerous. Different music affects different people differently (huh?). Some people hide away in music that is loud and strong, music that screams out loneliness, anger and confusion. It soothes them, it understands them, it voices all the inner turmoil. It does this for me and I use it. Others find that the softer more gentle music soothes them, helps them relax and enjoy the moment.

We all use music differently, but it affects each and every one of us. I have found that where music I listened to once voiced all the confusion inside of me now only makes me lonely, thoughtful of the past. Sometimes I just feel empty. This sucks cause musically I love it but the lyrics that once made things better are now just reminders of the past, the life I left behind (by choice). The lyrics no longer apply and while this is good it saddens me at the same time. Does this mean I need to stop listening to the music I once loved? I don’t really know.

So where to from here – give my music library an overhaul? Acknowledge the feelings that come up and accept them with understanding instead of fear. All things aside, my recovery is the most important thing and I need to do what will aid it and not hinder it. I don’t know what this might look like, I’m not sure I am strong enough yet but I do know that music brings up emotions in me. Music has always been my outlet, my voice but I cannot let it be my downfall as well.


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College and Caffeine

So one of my modules that I am taking is Addiction Counselling and for this module we had to give something up. I decided to give up caffeine because I thought coffee wouldn’t be hard to let go of for 4 weeks. Well didn’t think that one through completely. On the first day I realised that giving up caffeine included coke and energy dCollege and Caffeinerinks. I was devastated, no more coke. Well it lasted not even one day but I vowed to start the next day and continue for the 4 weeks. Now it might sound easy to some but it was a challenge for me. I am definitely more addicted to caffeine than I thought I was. I am now at the end of my 4 weeks and get to have a glass of coke again but I have learnt some things about myself during this month. Firstly, I learnt that the addict in me is not buried as deep as I thought it was. Not that I craved drugs but the thinking that came through was definitely addictive thinking. I wouldn’t give up no matter how badly I wanted a cup of coffee or a glass of coke I was like “no, never, I will see this through”. This black and white thinking is very prevalent in my life. I wish I could see the grey but it’s always been all or nothing for me. Secondly, I can succeed if I put my mind to it. I wanted to give up many times but pushed through and have made. Caffeine free for 1 month, I can’t believe it. This really encourages me because for so long I used to just give up when I thought I might be failing or I lost interest but I have now proved to my self that where there is a will there is a way. I can succeed.


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Between normality and insanity

Welcome to my blog, sit back and enjoy the read. Well I hope you will. Stick around I am going to be posting as often as I can. This blog is all about life as an imperfect person living between normality and insanity. You see I have a couple of mental disorders as well as obsessions but I am recovering and living life as normally as I possibly can.

I love my life, even if it is tiring at times. I am busy but passionate about what I do. Currently I am trying my hand at being a student, which is a blast but lots of hard work. So I attend classes during the day at a college called SACAP, South African College of Applied Psychology and just finishing off my diploma. I hope to continue studying next year and do my Bachelor of Social Sciences in Psychology.

When I am not at college or studying I work some evenings and weekends at a treatment centre for eating disorder and addiction clients. This is challenging but makes me come alive. The goal is to get as much experience as I can while I am studying.

This blog will include my journey through my studies, the gifts and oddities of working in a treatment centre and the general struggle, dreams and life of an imperfect person.