I am so amazed at the tenacity of children. These children have not much yet they laugh and smile like the world is their oyster. Live on the Light side.
Hello again everyone, sorry it has been so long since the last post. Life has been truly hectic here on my side and things just got away from me. So in essence I have been caught napping. Wanted to kick things off again. Not really because anyone might read these meaningless posts but simply because it helps get things off my chest and clears my head. Hopefully they might help someone else feel not so alone at the same time.
So the end of the year came and went and I can’t believe that we are already almost 5 months into the new year. Time really seems to move faster as you get older. We have been learning a lot about getting older in one of my classes this year. Anyways, I am glad to say that I have finished my Diploma in Counselling and Communication and graduated about 2 weeks ago.
That was a fun time. Now I am busy with my Bachelor’s in Applied Social Sciences and things are definitely tougher. For one I have to write exams now and those totally freak me out and my failure schema rears it’s ugly head. The subjects are cool though, my favorite one at the moment is Sociology, I am finding it really fascinating and enjoying the objective view on the world and what is going on in it.
Other things, well I have been working hard at a rehab facility but it is not a full time job and so have been desperately looking for something that pays more and is a bit more permanent but not really finding anything. Got a little disheartened as wasn’t getting any replies to my CV. I have realized though that I think God is telling me to focus on counselling and work in that industry. So I quieten my heart and try to hear God clearly but it is hard and trying to control things comes too naturally. The other hard thing is to continue trusting God when I don’t know how I am going to pay the bills at the end of the month but I have to and I continue to despite the difficulties. I have designed my business card now and am attempting to hand it out wherever I can and hope that God brings me business. So just putting it out there, if you know anyone who needs counselling please send them along. (Also I know I probably misspelt counselor but it’s all about where you live, and I stand by that LOL)
Well I think that is all for now. Will definitely try to write more regularly and keep the thoughts coming. Remember this blog is all about living life between the normal and the insane. So some posts might be normal and some might be bizarre. Love to you all.
It was only a few days ago that Robin Williams passed away and much discussion has already been generated. The topic most discussed in my circles is the that of choice. Why would someone choose to commit suicide and or was is a choice at all. We’ve just had a lovely heated debate at college about the ability of choice (I am studying psychology). So I though I would write down my thoughts on the subject.
So do those who commit suicide choose to do so or is there really no choice in the matter. Let me start by saying that everything in life is a choice and I really do believe that we choose our actions. That said I also want to say that sometimes it feels like we don’t have a choice, that there is only one way. I know this sounds like I am contradicting myself but let me explain further.
If you are offered the choice between R1 or R1,000 with no consequences, most people would say there is no choice take the R1,000. I think it’s similar, while there is a choice it doesn’t feel like it and so we say there was no choice. Another example would be if you were driving along and in front of you was an offramp to the left and a cliff in front of you – is there really a choice?
In my experience with my own depression I rarely stopped to think about whether there was another option. Suicide often felt like the only choice there was. Now my friend at college says but that’s just avoidance and while I agree with her I do not think that in that moment anyone is aware enough to see the choice. So while there may be a choice it is shrouded in darkness.
Let’s say there was a choice, that someone chooses to commit suicide. What are their other choices? Continue to live life with no hope? Continue to feel the absolute pain? Continue to die a little each day. Are these really choices? Wouldn’t you choose to end it all if you life was filled with blackness, hurt, hopelessness?
When it feels like this is all life ever was, ever is and ever will be the choice to live gets taken away. I have been there and only through the love of God, my family and friends that I am still alive. It has taken years of hard work to raise the self-awareness that many who suffer with depression never get. I feel for every one of my compatriots out there who suffer with this illness. Love to you all.
Finally after waiting for weeks we got our assignment marks back. Now I am always eager to get mine and see how I did, so far I have never been disappointed. Well this time I was, not once but twice. On assignments that I thought I had worked really hard on. straight away my perfectionism came up and I was really upset with the first mark. The worst was the lecturer laughed at me when I spoke to her and said it’s a good mark.
Now a good mark, I believe is subjective. If I am used to getting and A a B is a bad mark, if I am used to getting a C then a B is a good mark – subjective right. I obsessed the entire way home from McGregor when I got the first mark and let it affect my mood for the entire week. The second mark came through right before I went to bed a week later. Do you think I could sleep? No way, I lay up for hours obsessing over the mark. Then I switched to all or nothing thinking.
It went something like this, if I can’t get a good mark then I’m not going to try. Screw them (although I probably used more colourful language at the time). I totally wanted to give up. I was so demotivated, still am a little. I know that this type of thinking is both my addict and the borderline in me – doubly screwed right. I have worked hard at not buying into this type of thinking but when it comes to something as important as my marks I find it hard to just let go.
Anyway, at first I wanted my assignments remarked but realised that the educators would just laugh at me cause in general the marks are okay they are just my lowest marks ever. I need to move on and convince myself to give everything to the next assignments which are due in the next 2 weeks. It’s hard but I have good support and know that I am not alone. These little glimpses of my illnesses come out every now and again and I just have to fight harder till they fade away again.
Friends for a season, friends for a reason, or so they say.
Everybody has people in their lives. I believe that even the loneliest person in the world has someone they care about. I say this because I have been there, the place where you feel alone even in a crowded room. I tried not to care, believe me I tried. The problem is that we are simply not created to be solitary creatures. I didn’t want to care because caring hurts and the depth of caring depicts the depth of hurt that happens. The less I cared the less it hurt – simple mathematics for my warped mind. Unfortunately even when I was trying not to care I got hurt, so even though I still go through phases of not caring to avoid the hurt, I have come to a simple conclusion. Life hurts, we’ve all been hurt, we’ve all been rejected and we’ve all been left behind at some point.
Recently I got hurt (again, it’s a foregone conclusion) and had to sit with the loss of a friendship that was once important for me. I sat with sadness for a while then I detached from the emotions and went numb. I don’t know why we are not friends anymore or if we are then I don’t know what’s happening. This isn’t friendship. Feeling quite hurt by this I took it on as though I had done something wrong when in actual fact I haven’t. So sometimes I guess friendships just move on and I mustn’t take it personally.
As I have journeyed through my recovery I have realised that some people have been put in my life for a specific reason, and these people have all helped me progress into the awesomeness that is becoming me, but once that reason has passed the friendship will fade or alter into something different. My borderline fears the abandonment of losing a friend but I am learning to prepare my mind for these changes and trying to not take them personally. It is inevitable that as I change so will the people closest to me. As doors close so, I believe, new ones will open.
Another poem that I wrote in the midst of all my pain in depression. When I look back at these I realise how dark things got and feel completely blessed and grateful for all the people that helped me get out of that space.
“Never a tear has wet my face, yet everyday I cry
So caught up in all the pain that everyday I die
See me as I pass you like a ghost into the night
Hating myself everyday for these demons that I fight
Everyday I try to be, exactly what you wanted
Yet everyday I find myself by the darkness taunted
Don’t you see, don’t you hear, can’t you understand
This bitterness, this rage in me, I can barely stand
I hate my life, I hate my mind, I hate what I’ve become
A torn and twisted broken soul that lies to everyone”
– written 22 March 2010
I still go there sometimes but the bouts are briefer and not as dark. There is hope and I want people to see that. Depression and Bipolar are not death sentences and we do not have to be held prisoner to them. Thank God that he saved me and stands by me when I struggle.