Living in a world between normality and insanity

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Milestones Jitters

On Sunday I celebrated 9 years in recovery. Over 3000 days of 24 hours at a time. The strange thing is that even after all these years I still struggle around my milestone time. Saturday night was one of the hardest nights for me. Everything seemed to trigger a craving and I felt lonely and abandoned inside. The reality was that I have many friends and those that could kept me company via whatsapp messages, facetime and facebook.

So what have I learnt? Well one is to never take this time in the year for granted and to put things in place when my milestone comes around so that I am not alone and in a safe space. Second is to remember that this is a hard time for me. The week before my milestone was confusing and frustrating. My anxiety was so high and everything felt lost and empty. I couldn’t figure it out until the actual day. I need to be kind and gentle with myself and remind myself that this is normal for many addicts. We all seem to struggle in the surrounding times.IMG_0703

My sponsor has suggested that I write a journal. Something to catalog what happens and what I can do to ease the pain of the moment. So things to put in the journal are the fact that my mood is affected. Not because something has happened but simply because it is that time of the year. To set up safe spaces and make sure I have friends around me so the emptiness and loneliness are so present. To be kind and gentle to myself and take it easy.

All in all it was a great milestone. I shared at a meeting on Monday night and celebrated with a bunch of friends. I was reminded of how my recovery inspires others and that even though it doesn’t always feel like it, I am working a good program and people look up to me and love me. Hard to accept sometimes but that is the reality.

Here’s to another year of work on myself and change for the better.



Holding on or Letting Go

Did you know that the easiest way to catch a monkey is to get it to grab hold of something, if it really wants it it will never let go. Whilecapricious-yogi-letting-go doing my step 4 which is a moral and fearless inventory about my character defects I realized that I am holding on to some resentments, not because I want to but because somethings are just really hard to let go. If I forgive someone something where they did me wrong does it make what they did okay, does giving it over mean that my feelings of hurt become insignificant.

But trying to forget something doesn’t equal letting it go. Sometimes it is so hard to let go and move on but I know the right thing to do is to forgive. I understand that forgiveness doesn’t negate the judgement of the act or the consequences but it does free up my heart to serve GOD. When I am to preoccupied with resentments and anger I focus on someone else instead of GOD and although these things don’t just disappear my GOD helps me deal with each thing as he purifies my heart and draws me nearer to him. Praise be to GOD for the characteristics he has like grace,mercy, love and forgiveness.