Twikst

Living in a world between normality and insanity


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Milestones Jitters

On Sunday I celebrated 9 years in recovery. Over 3000 days of 24 hours at a time. The strange thing is that even after all these years I still struggle around my milestone time. Saturday night was one of the hardest nights for me. Everything seemed to trigger a craving and I felt lonely and abandoned inside. The reality was that I have many friends and those that could kept me company via whatsapp messages, facetime and facebook.

So what have I learnt? Well one is to never take this time in the year for granted and to put things in place when my milestone comes around so that I am not alone and in a safe space. Second is to remember that this is a hard time for me. The week before my milestone was confusing and frustrating. My anxiety was so high and everything felt lost and empty. I couldn’t figure it out until the actual day. I need to be kind and gentle with myself and remind myself that this is normal for many addicts. We all seem to struggle in the surrounding times.IMG_0703

My sponsor has suggested that I write a journal. Something to catalog what happens and what I can do to ease the pain of the moment. So things to put in the journal are the fact that my mood is affected. Not because something has happened but simply because it is that time of the year. To set up safe spaces and make sure I have friends around me so the emptiness and loneliness are so present. To be kind and gentle to myself and take it easy.

All in all it was a great milestone. I shared at a meeting on Monday night and celebrated with a bunch of friends. I was reminded of how my recovery inspires others and that even though it doesn’t always feel like it, I am working a good program and people look up to me and love me. Hard to accept sometimes but that is the reality.

Here’s to another year of work on myself and change for the better.

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Alone or Lonely

companionship-fingers-197x300Sometimes I find myself sitting and wondering if I will ever find the right person for me. In the past nine years I have been single. For the first six of those I needed to be single to sort my own life out. I needed to learn to love myself so I could love others as well. It was tough and sometimes I wanted to give up but eventually I got used to being by myself. I got used to comforting myself and encouraging myself. I learnt to live with who I was and I learnt to love who I was.

But now, for the past three years I am ready to love someone again. Although I will have to learn to be unselfish with my time again, I want to have someone else around. Someone to cuddle and talk to, someone to be intimate with, someone who loves me despite myself. So where is this wondrous man that I am looking for? I don’t really know, but I do know that he is probably out there somewhere and I need to be patient. I also know that I need to get out there and meet people which is really hard for me. Meeting new people is scary but how else am I supposed to meet the person for me?

In all of this though I question my motives behind wanting a man in my life. Is it because I am lonely, scared of being alone or is it really about companionship. I have realised that I am not looking for someone because I need that person to define who I am or because I don’t feel worth enough by myself but simply because I was created to be in relationship. I look at my grandparents who are still very much in love and I want that when I am old, someone who I shared my life with. images

If you are single out there how do you feel? Do you long for someone, are you happy by yourself, does it not really matter to you. Let me know where you stand. Alone or Lonely? Proud to be single or longing for someone? Share your thoughts and opinions with me please. Do others feel the same as me or am I alone in this?


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See my heart bleed

Was looking through some old notebooks and found one filled with poetry that I had written in a time of great struggle. So nobody panic, this is not how I feel. I just wanted to post it up for others who might relate and so that people will know recovery is possible. So here it is:

Cut, burn, listen, return
See my heart bleed from the inside and learn
You watched me like I was never there
Eyes glazed over, a vacant stare
Hide, lie, reject me, I die
When I am gone will you remember to cry
Silent tears, a memory
When will you listen, when will you see
Blood, pain, hate and disdain
Confused and alone, I try to refrain
I use a blade, an expression of words
The only way I know how to be heard
– written 30 January 2010

So there it is, that’s how I used to feel. Alone and unheard but things are better now. I have a voice again and am trying to use it. It isn’t always easy but it’s getting better everyday.

If you are out there and struggling with addiction, self-harm, depression, etc. get some help. Open up to someone. You are not alone unless you choose to be. There are people out there who love you and want to help. Good luck.