Living in a world between normality and insanity

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There is Kindness still out there!

There are still amazing and kind people out there. 

When I left work today (unknowingly on a sabotaged bike) it was jerking and wouldn’t go over 50km. I rode down the M3 with my left flicker on (bikes don’t have hazards) in the yellow line. I had to pick something up for a friend so turned off at Tokai, picked it up and hoped I would be able to get home safely but now the bike wouldn’t even start. 

Overhearing my phone call, a young man came up to me and apologized for overhearing but asked if he could help. We checked there was oil, we checked that the petrol I put in yesterday was the right one. Finally we thought, ‘maybe it’s the battery’. 

So I phoned my insurance and luckily am covered for roadside assistance. It was getting late now and the place were my bike was standing had to lock up. I pushed it out and thought that my arse would get kicked if I stayed in this dark road by myself. So I flexed my muscles, put my helmet on and pushed the bike 200m up the road to the garage. One of the attendants rushed to help me and pushed it to the front by the Pick n Pay. Right, so now I was safe at least. With nothing to do but wait I went inside and got some coffee and let my parents know what was happening. Then the friend I was supposed to visit messaged and said they would come through and sit with me. #amazingfriends , First for Women was awesome and stayed in contact phoning me multiple times to let me know what was happening. Then the battery guy came and while he was trying to get it started another stranger (Ross) walked past toward the shop but stopped and asked what was wrong. We explained everything to him, and being a biker himself he had some ideas. My bike has a kickstart (I didn’t know) but still nothing worked so the battery man phoned to give an update and FFW contacted me again and went about organizing a tow truck. 

It’s getting late now, I’m thinking I’m going to spend my off day organizing to get my bike fixed and spending lots of money. Ross, the stranger, and the battery man (I didn’t catch his name) were fantastic and wouldn’t leave until my friend arrived and they knew I had a lift home. Then my friend arrived, so we put all my stuff in her car, said goodbye to the battery man and Ross and decided we might as well eat supper while we waited. FFW phoned again said they had found someone and would let me know when they were told how long it would take. They also checked that I was okay and safe. 

Having just finished our dinner we headed back outside and our tow truck guy was pulling in. We said hi and explained the problem. He advised that he was told that it was a motorbike not a scooter and it would damage the scooter to tow it but he knew a bit about bikes and checked it out. Michael, that was his name, got it to start and showed me the clutch (another thing I didn’t know, I was feeling very ignorant at this point) and we made plans that both him and my friend would drive behind me while I slowly made my way home. Michael asked though if he could quickly ride it and feel the jerking I was talking about. 

He got back from a spin around the garage and immediately said, ‘it’s dirt or your spark plug’. We revved the bike a bit and he put his ear by the motor and said, ‘listen, can you hear that rattling?’ We activated the torches on our phones (’cause that’s how we roll these days) and he lay on his back and looked under the bike. I figured as long as we took nothing apart the warranty would stay in place. He straight away spotted the problem, reconnected the spark plug and it was a go. Deadpool, that’s the name of my bike, drove perfectly. He quickly took it for a test run and no problems. It started and rode like a dream. We thanked Michael profusely and with huge amounts of gratitude in my heart I drove away into the night (with my friend following of course). 

I haven’t posted in awhile but I was blown away by the kindness that is still out there. From the young man at Tokai Medicross, the petrol attendants, security guard, FFW, my friend, the battery guy, Ross and Michael, they all kept me level headed throughout the entire experience. I got home just after 10pm and got another call from FFW checking that everything got sorted and I was home safe. We hear so much bad news and negativity everyday, horror stories of violence, pain and misfortune, reminded that we are rarely safe even in our own homes let alone out on the street. 

Well I wanted to let you all know that there is still kindness in our country, people who care and are willing to help for no reward. There are still amazing people out there and it sparks in me a hope for humanity in what can sometimes be a dark place. Thank you God for this experience, your hand of safety looking after me through the night and showing me that hope is not lost for us. It brought up in me a desire to pay the kindness forward. 


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Fine but not fine?

maxresdefaultSpent lots of time up in my head today, both spacing out and thinking about what was said in my session and later with my sponsor. Wondering why I was craving so much last night, not just craving but the vivid images that filled my head. Feeling the blade press through the skin and watching the blood seep through the gap. Playing with it as it spirals and leaves tracks of red down my arm. Even now in the late afternoon the image is so real and tangible. I find myself leaving reality and fantasizing about it. Fantasy is all I have though, I can never go back down that road but oh how I want to right now.
This morning I spoke of being disconnected, out of sorts. I realize as I look through the day that yes, I could say disconnected which is a truth in a way, it is more dissociated than anything else. I sit in conversations and feel unreal as though everything is happening around me but not to me. I spend moments just staring off into the distance when I should be focusing on the conversations around me but I don’t feel a part of it. I don’t feel a part of anything at the moment. I think back to the images in my head and wonder why they remain more real than the life around me. Release stands out, pain stands out but denial stands out above everything. Avoidance of what might really be going on, fear of what I maybe don’t want to face. I can’t touch it though and through the day it feels like reality is slipping further and further away.
I don’t feel negative and thoughts like being unworthy or not good enough nip at the edges of consciousness but haven’t seemed to have broken through yet. I still feel generally satisfied with my life and where I am placed in it but I can’t seem to merge the emptiness with being satisfied and I am left confused. I do all the right things, work a solid program but still I am reaching for something and I can’t seem to grasp what it is. As I write this all I have eaten is a small cinnabon which is not nearly enough for the day. I realise that I have not been taking care of myself, not nurturing myself and if I’m honest I don’t care. So at the end of the day I can no longer deny that I am not in a low space but where does it come from.
I immediately want to blame a circumstance but off the top of my head, I tell myself that I am happy, that there is nothing wrong with my life. Is it true, I want it to be but I have just stepped out of financial security, leaving a job. Can this affect so much though? It sounds weird but I don’t want it to be my mood, that means looking at medication and puts me out of control but the more I think about all the symptoms the more I come to think that it might just be my mood. Living with BiPolar sucks, being Borderline sucks even more. I call myself stupid because by now I should know healthy coping mechanisms yet still I slip into melancholy and dreams of slicing my arms up.
The dreams have expanded now. I sit and have a smoke and hold the cigarette as close to my hand as I can without burning it. Playing with temptation but I can’t seem to stop myself. What if I go to far, what would happen if I let the cigarette touch the skin, kept it there until a blister forms? I can’t though, I would shatter so much, I can’t. Is it sad that the thing stopping me is not that it’s unhealthy but rather what others would say, what I would lose. It’s insane and once again I find myself not caring.
Writing this rambling is the first thing that I’ve connected to all day, the first thing I have felt involved in. I don’t want to stop in case I start to feel empty inside again, in case I slip off into the nothingness that has been hovering all day.

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Photo of the Week


This was taken a few years ago when I had just started making some friends again. It was an important moment in my recovery as I was very mistrustful of everyone and didn’t make good friends easily. Here we had gone out to the V&A Waterfront for the evening just to hang out and we bought this little magic dolls so we each had one to symbolize our friendship.

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Photo of the week

One of South Africa’s finest sights. Can’t get enough of Table Mountain since I got back from the States 11 Years ago. Missed that mountain so much. Home just isn’t home without Table Mountain in the background somewhere.IMG_0669┬áThis was taken one evening out at Blouberg Beach. I traveled all the way from Kenilworth to Town on train and then walked to the MyCiti buses to catch one to Table View where a friend picked me up so we could go catch the sunset.