Twikst

Living in a world between normality and insanity


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Caught napping

Hello again everyone, sorry it has been so long since the last post. Life has been truly hectic here on my side and things just got away from me. So in essence I have been caught napping. Wanted to kick things off again. Not really because anyone might read these meaningless posts but simply because it helps get things off my chest and clears my head. Hopefully they might help someone else feel not so alone at the same time.

So the end of the year came and went and I can’t believe that we are already almost 5 months into the new year. Time really seems to move faster as you get older. We have been learning a lot about getting older in one of my classes this year. Anyways, I am glad to say that I have finished my Diploma in Counselling and Communication and graduated about 2 weeks ago.
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That was a fun time. Now I am busy with my Bachelor’s in Applied Social Sciences and things are definitely tougher. For one I have to write exams now and those totally freak me out and my failure schema rears it’s ugly head. The subjects are cool though, my favorite one at the moment is Sociology, I am finding it really fascinating and enjoying the objective view on the world and what is going on in it.

Business cardOther things, well I have been working hard at a rehab facility but it is not a full time job and so have been desperately looking for something that pays more and is a bit more permanent but not really finding anything. Got a little disheartened as wasn’t getting any replies to my CV. I have realized though that I think God is telling me to focus on counselling and work in that industry. So I quieten my heart and try to hear God clearly but it is hard and trying to control things comes too naturally. The other hard thing is to continue trusting God when I don’t know how I am going to pay the bills at the end of the month but I have to and I continue to despite the difficulties. I have designed my business card now and am attempting to hand it out wherever I can and hope that God brings me business. So just putting it out there, if you know anyone who needs counselling please send them along. (Also I know I probably misspelt counselor but it’s all about where you live, and I stand by that LOL)

Well I think that is all for now. Will definitely try to write more regularly and keep the thoughts coming. Remember this blog is all about living life between the normal and the insane. So some posts might be normal and some might be bizarre. Love to you all.

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All or Nothing

Finally after waiting for weeks we got our assignment marks back. Now I am always eager to get mine and see how I did, so far I have never been disappointed. Well this time I was, not once but twice. On assignments that I thought I had worked really hard on. straight away my perfectionism came up and I was really upset with the first mark. The worst was the lecturer laughed at me when I spoke to her and said it’s a good mark.

phd012014sNow a good mark, I believe is subjective. If I am used to getting and A a B is a bad mark, if I am used to getting a C then a B is a good mark – subjective right. I obsessed the entire way home from McGregor when I got the first mark and let it affect my mood for the entire week. The second mark came through right before I went to bed a week later. Do you think I could sleep? No way, I lay up for hours obsessing over the mark. Then I switched to all or nothing thinking.

It went something like this, if I can’t get a good mark then I’m not going to try. Screw them (although I probably used more colourful language at the time). I totally wanted to give up. I was so demotivated, still am a little. I know that this type of thinking is both my addict and the borderline in me – doubly screwed right. I have worked hard at not buying into this type of thinking but when it comes to something as important as my marks I find it hard to just let go.

Anyway, at first I wanted my assignments remarked but realised that the educators would just laugh at me cause in general the marks are okay they are just my lowest marks ever. I need to move on and convince myself to give everything to the next assignments which are due in the next 2 weeks. It’s hard but I have good support and know that I am not alone. These little glimpses of my illnesses come out every now and again and I just have to fight harder till they fade away again.

All in all, as disappointed as I am with myself and my marks I will try again and again. Time to stop giving into the madness and get back to sanity.


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Procrastinating Pro

So who all out there procrastinates? A lot of you yea, well I have reached my favourite time to procrastinate – ASSIGNMENT TIME. Hence here I am writing a blog post instead of writing my assignment. In my defense I have already completed two last week and handed them in on time. Actually they were both a little early and it felt great. So then why am I procrastinating now you ask? Well, I don’t really know.

Procrastination

So why do we procrastinate? Here are some of the reasons I do it.

1. I don’t know what to do – I sit there staring at my assignment or task to be done and wonder how I am supposed to complete it. Do I understand what I am doing (probably not)? Where do I start? It all becomes to overwhelming and I just need to walk away. That is what is happening with my current assignment due next week. So I busy myself with other things telling myself that I’ll ponder over it and after I’ve finished cleaning the flat, well then of course I will know what to do…NOT.

2. This task is boring – yip this is a big one. When something bores me I really struggle to start with it. My brain just wont seem to work with stuff that is boring and even doing my filing becomes more interesting (wait, I enjoy that – weird i know right) than the task ahead.

3. I just don’t feel like doing it – and so I find anything and everything else that needs to be done. Lack of motivation is a hard one to conquer.

4. What if it won’t be good enough? – Yip, that’s me all the time. Terrified of failure. My perfectionism is at the root of this fear.

So what do we do, what do I do? Well firstly, I try to motivate myself. So for example with my assignments, I know that I love what I am studying so I tell myself to start and the enjoyment with follow. This is true, once I get into the assignments I really do start to enjoy all the research and thinking. Once I’m motivated I tell myself that it doesn’t matter what I get as long as I have learnt from the assignment or task this way I also get motivated again. There are lots of little things I do as well like hanging out in the library at college with others who are also writing assignments and not at home where I can get distracted by the dishes. All in all I know that when I finish I will feel a sense of accomplishment for completing something and more times than not it is more than good enough.

 

A good article to read is http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-age-anxiety/201103/why-do-you-procrastinate