Twikst

Living in a world between normality and insanity


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Irritable and Restless

It is that time in my journey where my medication is having to be changed again. This means detoxing of old medication, starting new medication, blood tests, liver functioning tests and new side effects. The reason, well sometimes new side effects pop up or the medication stops working. This time I have a new side effect (we think), irritability and restlessness.

293280-stress-and-angerEverything, and I mean everything, is suddenly irritating me. It is so frustrating and makes me feel so self-centered. Things that I normally enjoy and people I normally love are irritating me. I can’t show it, especially at work, but it is coming up with everything I do. My doctor thinks it is a side effect of the one medication I was on. So now we just stop that medication and try something else. I am running out of options here and it is really frustrating and I just want to cry sometimes.

The other effect, which has been around for a while, is restlessness. I have intermittent restless leg syndrome, whichrestlesslegsyndrome means my legs shake, tap, jiggle, all sorts of things. The worst is at night while I am trying to fall asleep. It gets so bad it keeps me awake. During the day it stops me from concentrating and I have to take regular breaks. Very hard to do when you are studying and have 3 hour classes. Friends who know me laugh at my jiggling legs but sometimes are worse than others. I know they are moving about and I can’t do anything to stop them. It makes me feel so helpless.

The new medication I am on now is supposed to help me get to sleep but I am not so sure because again last night I was still awake after 12 am. So why write about it? Well just giving myself some venting space, helping others know that they aren’t alone and keeping friends and family updated. This is my life and it gets frustrating. Aside from that though I have learnt to mostly deal with all these things and remind myself that it all helps me cope with life better in the long run.

The thing that helps me the most is remembering to hand it over to God. He is the only one who really knows what is going on and I believe and trust that he has a higher purpose for me. Well that’s what life is like for this Borderline, Bipolar, Addict at the moment. Signing out for today.

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Caught napping

Hello again everyone, sorry it has been so long since the last post. Life has been truly hectic here on my side and things just got away from me. So in essence I have been caught napping. Wanted to kick things off again. Not really because anyone might read these meaningless posts but simply because it helps get things off my chest and clears my head. Hopefully they might help someone else feel not so alone at the same time.

So the end of the year came and went and I can’t believe that we are already almost 5 months into the new year. Time really seems to move faster as you get older. We have been learning a lot about getting older in one of my classes this year. Anyways, I am glad to say that I have finished my Diploma in Counselling and Communication and graduated about 2 weeks ago.
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That was a fun time. Now I am busy with my Bachelor’s in Applied Social Sciences and things are definitely tougher. For one I have to write exams now and those totally freak me out and my failure schema rears it’s ugly head. The subjects are cool though, my favorite one at the moment is Sociology, I am finding it really fascinating and enjoying the objective view on the world and what is going on in it.

Business cardOther things, well I have been working hard at a rehab facility but it is not a full time job and so have been desperately looking for something that pays more and is a bit more permanent but not really finding anything. Got a little disheartened as wasn’t getting any replies to my CV. I have realized though that I think God is telling me to focus on counselling and work in that industry. So I quieten my heart and try to hear God clearly but it is hard and trying to control things comes too naturally. The other hard thing is to continue trusting God when I don’t know how I am going to pay the bills at the end of the month but I have to and I continue to despite the difficulties. I have designed my business card now and am attempting to hand it out wherever I can and hope that God brings me business. So just putting it out there, if you know anyone who needs counselling please send them along. (Also I know I probably misspelt counselor but it’s all about where you live, and I stand by that LOL)

Well I think that is all for now. Will definitely try to write more regularly and keep the thoughts coming. Remember this blog is all about living life between the normal and the insane. So some posts might be normal and some might be bizarre. Love to you all.


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Everyday

Another poem that I wrote in the midst of all my pain in depression. When I look back at these I realise how dark things got and feel completely blessed and grateful for all the people that helped me get out of that space.

“Never a tear has wet my face, yet everyday I cry

So caught up in all the pain that everyday I die

See me as I pass you like a ghost into the night

Hating myself everyday for these demons that I fight

Everyday I try to be, exactly what you wanted

Yet everyday I find myself by the darkness taunted

Don’t you see, don’t you hear, can’t you understand

This bitterness, this rage in me, I can barely stand

I hate my life, I hate my mind, I hate what I’ve become

A torn and twisted broken soul that lies to everyone”

– written 22 March 2010

I still go there sometimes but the bouts are briefer and not as dark. There is hope and I want people to see that. Depression and Bipolar are not death sentences and we do not have to be held prisoner to them. Thank God that he saved me and stands by me when I struggle.


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Holding on or Letting Go

Did you know that the easiest way to catch a monkey is to get it to grab hold of something, if it really wants it it will never let go. Whilecapricious-yogi-letting-go doing my step 4 which is a moral and fearless inventory about my character defects I realized that I am holding on to some resentments, not because I want to but because somethings are just really hard to let go. If I forgive someone something where they did me wrong does it make what they did okay, does giving it over mean that my feelings of hurt become insignificant.

But trying to forget something doesn’t equal letting it go. Sometimes it is so hard to let go and move on but I know the right thing to do is to forgive. I understand that forgiveness doesn’t negate the judgement of the act or the consequences but it does free up my heart to serve GOD. When I am to preoccupied with resentments and anger I focus on someone else instead of GOD and although these things don’t just disappear my GOD helps me deal with each thing as he purifies my heart and draws me nearer to him. Praise be to GOD for the characteristics he has like grace,mercy, love and forgiveness.


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A Higher Power who is God

I was sitting talking to an addict about spirituality and how it fits into recovery. The 12 steps speak about a “Higher Power”. Steps 1-3 are about admitting the unmanageability of our lives, our inability to change without something greater than ourselves and then handing over our power to this greater power, our “Higher Power”. For me this “HIGHER POWER” is God, not just god as a general term but as in GOD (the “I AM”) creator God, saviour God, holy God. The God that, despite my general out of control behaviour, my natural inclination to sin and reject him still loved me anyway, just as I was – ALL MESSED UP.

Addicts (and humans in general), do so many things, that in recovery seem unforgivable – to ourselves and others. As we realise the severity of damages we have caused we struggle to love ourselves let alone expect others to love us. When I think about my higher power I doubt he can, or would want to, love me either. For in reality I am completely unworthy of his love. I think about how I continuously sin and reject him, lie, hurt others and myself and wonder if he is still around. I have abused the grace the he so freely offers me.

The conversation centred around this for awhile until it dawned on me that this is exactly what grace is. The very action of God’s grace is his grace. I am no better or worse in his eyes than I was 5, 10, 15 years ago. I am still a sinful person, I still hurt God with my actions. I will never be perfect enough to no longer need his grace. It is this that makes his grace so exceptional. It was round about here when I realised that it is not about me at all, it’s actually all about God. This leads us back to the beginning of the conversation with a much clearer picture of the first 3 steps. I cannot do this by myself, I need my higher power. I need my God, his grace, his strength and his love. The amazing thing is that I do not deserve any of this but he made it possible, made it available to me by sacrificing his son, his perfect son, in my place, giving me righteousness that is not truly mine. This is grace, this is my HIGHER POWER. He really is higher than me and is a power that provides hope.