Twikst

Living in a world between normality and insanity


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Fine but not fine?

maxresdefaultSpent lots of time up in my head today, both spacing out and thinking about what was said in my session and later with my sponsor. Wondering why I was craving so much last night, not just craving but the vivid images that filled my head. Feeling the blade press through the skin and watching the blood seep through the gap. Playing with it as it spirals and leaves tracks of red down my arm. Even now in the late afternoon the image is so real and tangible. I find myself leaving reality and fantasizing about it. Fantasy is all I have though, I can never go back down that road but oh how I want to right now.
This morning I spoke of being disconnected, out of sorts. I realize as I look through the day that yes, I could say disconnected which is a truth in a way, it is more dissociated than anything else. I sit in conversations and feel unreal as though everything is happening around me but not to me. I spend moments just staring off into the distance when I should be focusing on the conversations around me but I don’t feel a part of it. I don’t feel a part of anything at the moment. I think back to the images in my head and wonder why they remain more real than the life around me. Release stands out, pain stands out but denial stands out above everything. Avoidance of what might really be going on, fear of what I maybe don’t want to face. I can’t touch it though and through the day it feels like reality is slipping further and further away.
I don’t feel negative and thoughts like being unworthy or not good enough nip at the edges of consciousness but haven’t seemed to have broken through yet. I still feel generally satisfied with my life and where I am placed in it but I can’t seem to merge the emptiness with being satisfied and I am left confused. I do all the right things, work a solid program but still I am reaching for something and I can’t seem to grasp what it is. As I write this all I have eaten is a small cinnabon which is not nearly enough for the day. I realise that I have not been taking care of myself, not nurturing myself and if I’m honest I don’t care. So at the end of the day I can no longer deny that I am not in a low space but where does it come from.
I immediately want to blame a circumstance but off the top of my head, I tell myself that I am happy, that there is nothing wrong with my life. Is it true, I want it to be but I have just stepped out of financial security, leaving a job. Can this affect so much though? It sounds weird but I don’t want it to be my mood, that means looking at medication and puts me out of control but the more I think about all the symptoms the more I come to think that it might just be my mood. Living with BiPolar sucks, being Borderline sucks even more. I call myself stupid because by now I should know healthy coping mechanisms yet still I slip into melancholy and dreams of slicing my arms up.
The dreams have expanded now. I sit and have a smoke and hold the cigarette as close to my hand as I can without burning it. Playing with temptation but I can’t seem to stop myself. What if I go to far, what would happen if I let the cigarette touch the skin, kept it there until a blister forms? I can’t though, I would shatter so much, I can’t. Is it sad that the thing stopping me is not that it’s unhealthy but rather what others would say, what I would lose. It’s insane and once again I find myself not caring.
Writing this rambling is the first thing that I’ve connected to all day, the first thing I have felt involved in. I don’t want to stop in case I start to feel empty inside again, in case I slip off into the nothingness that has been hovering all day.


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Milestones Jitters

On Sunday I celebrated 9 years in recovery. Over 3000 days of 24 hours at a time. The strange thing is that even after all these years I still struggle around my milestone time. Saturday night was one of the hardest nights for me. Everything seemed to trigger a craving and I felt lonely and abandoned inside. The reality was that I have many friends and those that could kept me company via whatsapp messages, facetime and facebook.

So what have I learnt? Well one is to never take this time in the year for granted and to put things in place when my milestone comes around so that I am not alone and in a safe space. Second is to remember that this is a hard time for me. The week before my milestone was confusing and frustrating. My anxiety was so high and everything felt lost and empty. I couldn’t figure it out until the actual day. I need to be kind and gentle with myself and remind myself that this is normal for many addicts. We all seem to struggle in the surrounding times.IMG_0703

My sponsor has suggested that I write a journal. Something to catalog what happens and what I can do to ease the pain of the moment. So things to put in the journal are the fact that my mood is affected. Not because something has happened but simply because it is that time of the year. To set up safe spaces and make sure I have friends around me so the emptiness and loneliness are so present. To be kind and gentle to myself and take it easy.

All in all it was a great milestone. I shared at a meeting on Monday night and celebrated with a bunch of friends. I was reminded of how my recovery inspires others and that even though it doesn’t always feel like it, I am working a good program and people look up to me and love me. Hard to accept sometimes but that is the reality.

Here’s to another year of work on myself and change for the better.


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Alone or Lonely

companionship-fingers-197x300Sometimes I find myself sitting and wondering if I will ever find the right person for me. In the past nine years I have been single. For the first six of those I needed to be single to sort my own life out. I needed to learn to love myself so I could love others as well. It was tough and sometimes I wanted to give up but eventually I got used to being by myself. I got used to comforting myself and encouraging myself. I learnt to live with who I was and I learnt to love who I was.

But now, for the past three years I am ready to love someone again. Although I will have to learn to be unselfish with my time again, I want to have someone else around. Someone to cuddle and talk to, someone to be intimate with, someone who loves me despite myself. So where is this wondrous man that I am looking for? I don’t really know, but I do know that he is probably out there somewhere and I need to be patient. I also know that I need to get out there and meet people which is really hard for me. Meeting new people is scary but how else am I supposed to meet the person for me?

In all of this though I question my motives behind wanting a man in my life. Is it because I am lonely, scared of being alone or is it really about companionship. I have realised that I am not looking for someone because I need that person to define who I am or because I don’t feel worth enough by myself but simply because I was created to be in relationship. I look at my grandparents who are still very much in love and I want that when I am old, someone who I shared my life with. images

If you are single out there how do you feel? Do you long for someone, are you happy by yourself, does it not really matter to you. Let me know where you stand. Alone or Lonely? Proud to be single or longing for someone? Share your thoughts and opinions with me please. Do others feel the same as me or am I alone in this?


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See my heart bleed

Was looking through some old notebooks and found one filled with poetry that I had written in a time of great struggle. So nobody panic, this is not how I feel. I just wanted to post it up for others who might relate and so that people will know recovery is possible. So here it is:

Cut, burn, listen, return
See my heart bleed from the inside and learn
You watched me like I was never there
Eyes glazed over, a vacant stare
Hide, lie, reject me, I die
When I am gone will you remember to cry
Silent tears, a memory
When will you listen, when will you see
Blood, pain, hate and disdain
Confused and alone, I try to refrain
I use a blade, an expression of words
The only way I know how to be heard
– written 30 January 2010

So there it is, that’s how I used to feel. Alone and unheard but things are better now. I have a voice again and am trying to use it. It isn’t always easy but it’s getting better everyday.

If you are out there and struggling with addiction, self-harm, depression, etc. get some help. Open up to someone. You are not alone unless you choose to be. There are people out there who love you and want to help. Good luck.