Leave a light on

“If you look into the distance, there’s a house upon the hill. Guiding like a lighthouse to a place where you’ll be safe to feel at grace ’cause we’ve all made mistakes. If you’ve lost your way I will leave the light on” – Tom Walker

Listen to the song here.

Two weeks ago I heard this song for the first time and was completely struck by it. For days the lyrics swam around in my head, word after word, line after line. I started thinking about all the lights people have left on for me, the safehouses people have created and shared with me. Gratitude bubbled up to the surface, not just soppy gratitude but real, deep-seated gratitude for the people and for God.

“Tell me what’s been happening, what’s been on your mind. Lately, you’ve been searching for a darker place to hide, that’s alright. But if you carry on abusing, you’ll be robbed from us. I refuse to lose another friend to drugs. Just come home, don’t let go”

On Wednesday night a friend of mine was taken away too soon, stolen from our world by addiction and mental illness. I hadn’t spoken to him for a few weeks and we didn’t see each other often but we were close. We shared a house for over a year, shared our lives, shared our feelings, our stories and our pain with each other. I knew he struggled – not only with addiction but also with depression. Every few weeks we would catch up with a call or messages. Lunch and an adventure somewhere in our beautiful city. We were comfortable with each other and we could sit in silence just enjoying the other’s company. Yes, I knew he struggled. I knew there were days he didn’t want to leave his room and there were times he didn’t know how to move forward but he always pushed on and pushed through.

I was saddened by the news and angry, very angry. Angry at the disease of addiction, angry at the illness of depression. Angry that we live in a world where people hurt people and so many of us live in pain on a daily basis. I was angry until I felt the gratitude rise in me again. That could have been me, I could have been stolen away – last month, last week. I am still here today though and I am still here because so many people have left the light on for me. I am sad that my friend decided to leave us, I am sad I will never have a conversation with him again, never laugh, never play games and never cry with him again. People left lights on for him and he couldn’t find it in him to get to the ‘house upon the hill’.

“If you’ve lost your way (I will leave the light on), and I know you don’t know oh, but I need you to be brave. Hiding from the truth ain’t gonna make this all okay. I’ll see your pain if you don’t feel our grace and you’ve lost your way. I will leave the light on, I will leave the light on, ‘Cause I will leave the light on”

Addiction is a cunning, baffling disease and has taken so many friends. Mental illness is a thief and has stolen even more. I know, I have been in the deep dark places, I have felt lost and consumed with pain. I have experienced the blackness and I am forever grateful to the people in my life who ‘left a light on’. I am blessed that my Higher Power has somehow carried me through the moments I couldn’t carry myself and put these people in my life.

I want everyone out there who is struggling to know that I will leave a light on for you. Anytime, any place because I know we need those lights to guide us home again. I know we need that grace to accept our mistakes and our pain. I know we need people in our lives who are going to be there regardless of how much we push them away. I open up my house as that house upon the hill and I will leave a light on forever. Please don’t get sucked in by the darkness, don’t get confused in the pain and don’t let go yet. Not until you’ve seen the light I am shining for you.

It is an honor and a privilege to have the people around me that I have. The friends, the family, my treatment team, 12 step fellowships, support groups, work colleagues. I am blessed and I know I will forget this some times and I know I won’t feel the gratitude always but for today, in the here and now I am taking this opportunity to say thank you.

So there you are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each person who leaves a light on for people like me who lose their way in the darkness. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!