It felt so sudden, like one moment everything was fine and then the next moment it wasn’t. Looking back and trying to figure things out I realise that maybe it wasn’t so sudden. First was the irritability and sensitivity, taking things too personally and becoming frustrated. Then was the anxiety and a slight feeling of panic. Next came emptiness, blackness, ‘the darkness’. No, it wasn’t sudden at all, it had been building up for days.
So when did my world suddenly become dark again? When did I leave the light and start walking in the darkness? I think the day I heard my friend had died, the day my heart broke a little, the moment in which my hope was pulled away. The first response was tears and terrible sadness, disbelief that I was never going to see him again. Then anger at addiction, depression, him and God. By the time evening came, I was numb inside. The next morning I couldn’t concentrate and all my moments with him came to mind, the conversations, outings and I was again filled with sadness. That’s when I wrote ‘Leave the light on‘ after which my emotions settled down again. I thought the grieving was happening but I was just getting number inside.
The big turning point came when I started to feel guilty and jealous, then shame about being jealous. Jealous that he had cheated life and I was still living. Jealous that he chose to leave this world and I had to stay. I tucked the jealousy away and focussed on the guilt. Guilt that I had been too busy for the last 3 months to spend time with him when he was trying to make plans with me. Guilt that I was so wrapped up in my own mental health struggles that I forgot about his. Guilt that I wasn’t there for him. But people told me that I shouldn’t feel guilty, that it wasn’t my fault and so the jealousy moved back in and I got angry. Angry that I couldn’t follow in his footsteps and ashamed that I even wanted to. The mess of emotions from the weekend reached critical on Monday when I was finally exhausted. Tired with living, tired of fighting a losing battle, tired of being optimistic, tired of never giving up, just tired. I didn’t want to do this anymore, I didn’t want to fight anymore, I didn’t want to live anymore.
I became obsessed with dying, obsessed with giving up and letting go. But I couldn’t commit suicide, the recovery wolf was too well fed and wouldn’t let me. So then I became obsessed with self-harming because if I couldn’t kill myself then I needed to get rid of the feelings I was having and self-harming would help but again the recovery wolf was too strong and all I got left with was a spiral into darkness and the inability to act on any of it. I couldn’t stop the feelings, I couldn’t get rid of the blackness and I couldn’t get rid of myself. Much to my dismay, I kept doing the next right thing. I called my sponsor, who told me to contact my counselor the next day. The next day I managed to get an appointment with my counselor who set up an appointment with my psychiatrist, who I eventually saw 4 days after the darkness entered. Through every conversation, appointment, and explanation my anxiety rose. I was so anxious I felt sick inside. I wanted to purge, get rid of every feeling and thought inside of me. I am so very grateful for this time I have spent in recovery that has taught me to just keep doing the next right thing. This recovery that has fed the recovery wolf year after year making it stronger than the dark wolf at this moment. I am so very grateful that over the years I have picked up the most amazing friends who stand by me even though I don’t want to talk about it or be around anyone. I don’t feel lonely and I don’t unloved. I just feel broken and defeated, I just feel tired and hopeless, I just feel like I can’t any more.
6 days later I have woke up for the first time feeling a little less anxious. Today I can look back on the week and feel compassion for myself, not a lot, but a little. For this moment, I have a little bit of hope in me once again. So far, I have spent just 1 week walking in the darkness and I have no idea how long it could last. I could wake up tomorrow and feel a little less bleak or I could wake up tomorrow further down the darkness. I am terrified of falling deeper and I am terrified that my recovery wolf will weaken as the dark wolf grows stronger. I can’t focus on that right now though. I need to concentrate on this moment where suicide is not consuming my thoughts and be grateful for the brief respite. I have lived days, months and years in the darkness. There are people all around me who continue to walk in the darkness every day and never give up, I need to be one of those people. At the moment I hate my recovery, I hate that part of myself that is keeping me alive but I know that tomorrow I will be grateful for it. I will be grateful I never gave up and I will be grateful that I didn’t do anything to harm myself. If I can’t make it in this moment, I am holding onto that moment. That moment that will come tomorrow or the next day or the next.
If you are reading this and know me personally please do not be alarmed. Yes, I am struggling, but I am doing all the next right things. I am in contact with my psychiatrist and counselor, my medication is being looked at. My friends are around me and supporting me. Plans have been made for if I get worse. So please, do not worry. I have beaten this before and will beat it again and again as many times as it takes. Please feel free, if you absolutely must, to contact me for reassurance. I am not fine but I will be. I share this post because there are many people out there also walking in darkness, it is an awful place to be. I write this to remind myself that I am not alone and to let you know that you are not alone either. I am comfortable with my mental illness and I am comfortable sharing how I am feeling not to shock people or get attention for myself but rather because people need to know this is a reality for both me and others. You don’t need to fix us, we mostly know what we need to do. What we need from you is understanding and just for you to be there.
Just for today, I will continue to do the next right thing even though I don’t feel like it. Just for today, I will keep talking about how I am feeling so I don’t get lost in my own world. Just for today, I will surround myself with people who love me and my treatment team. Just for today, I will hold out for better days.
Twikst 